Church update

 

When I posted back in June, I made a comment about people in my church that I feared would inadvertently offend some people.  So I wanted to clear things up.

Probably the top thing that comes to mind is that it feels like a performance. We could psychoanalyze all of it, but that's not in the scope of this post. I do like talking to friends there with whom I have established a closer relationship. I just don't like the overly cheery surface-level interactions that happen when traversing the building.

Reading that again, it's not very offensive.  But I just want to clarify, as a whole, people at my church are very generous, kind, and genuine people.  And it would be really tough to start going somewhere else, and building relationships all over again. 

A lot of the issue is about me, but it's also about church culture in general.

Part of it is just a general social anxiety that I have.  I can sing in front of people, without much of a problem.  In fact, at a Good Friday service, I sang a solo with no instruments at all, and it felt really natural, almost soothing in a way.  But it's more just when approaching a group of people in social setting, I feel self-conscious.

Part of this is that, due to my childhood or whatever reason, I have trouble knowing if I can trust people, and I have trouble determining whether they are genuine. There are people I have known many years, and have had many interactions with, and I trust that they are genuine, and I can easily talk with them.  That is the reason for this line:

 I do like talking to friends there with whom I have established a closer relationship. 

The other issue is church culture in general.  There is an emphasis on being a fun and friendly place, otherwise the fear is that no visitors would show up again.  That results in sort of a performance, where smiles seem extra big, and greetings seem to be overly enthusiastic.   That sort of atmosphere causes trouble for me, because I sense that people are not genuine.

So if I look sort of unhappy or unenthusiastic at church, part of that is that I am somehow trying to balance the culture out.  And I feel very disregulated when I am at church.  That is the reason for this line:

I just don't like the overly cheery surface-level interactions that happen when traversing the building.

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I took a break from worship team, but I am back on there.  A big reason is that my church really needed more musicians. We were only 1 deep at piano.  And the church had to hire pianists a few times, and if I was in the pew during that time, I felt compelled to join the worship team again.  First, I could save the church some money. Second, this will not sound humble, but I can play piano better than the people that we hire to do that.  For some reason, the agency that we use, they have great musicians, but at the piano position, they are not very deep in talent.  

The other reason is that I was called to serve God with my musical talents, at least since 1998.  And that has been really one of my only callings.  So when I don't participate in music in the church, I am missing part of myself.  I may not agree with all the words of the songs, but where I am at right now, it is more important to participate, and to share my gifts with the church.

So you could say, I am not genuine on the worship team.  But that is an example of making a choice between different values, and that is what I chose for now.