Why do I bring this up?
I made a Facebook post in April, where I shared a view of the Bible that was contrary to my tradition and faith community. Some people may be wondering why I would want to risk embarrassing myself. My non-Christian friends probably think I am loony, and spouting nonsense. And my Christian friends probably think I am heretic. So this post is to explain why I did that, and why I plan to write a few more things about it.
There has been nothing more important in my life than my faith. It has shaped my mind as a child, adolescent, and adult. As I experienced life as an adult, my beliefs didn't match to reality. And at certain points, I felt isolated even from Christians, because of my extreme outlook on life, so I knew something was wrong there as well. It has been a long and slow process of changing my beliefs to be more consistent with my life experiences. This took more of a turn 11 years ago, when I became willing to reconsider everything. I was having a difficult year that became sort of an incubator for questioning things.
There is a backstory to that specific Facebook post. I decided to stop going to our church earlier this year. I'm not sure this will go on very long, because there are various important events to attend, and service opportunities, particularly with music. And the hardest thing was when my kids started asking why I wasn't going to church with them, because it's difficult to explain to them, and not sure they would understand at that age. And it's just natural to belong with my family, and for various reasons, our current church is still the best place for my family.
The main reason for deciding to not attend church that is that I felt very uncomfortable through the music and sermon, due to the all the assertions and assumptions that I no longer believe. During the sermon, I feel restless, and as it usually goes on for 40 minutes, I just keep fidgeting, and want to walk around. A second reason is that when I'm at church in the lobby, I feel socially anxious, and prefer to take less populated hallways, to avoid talking to people. I don't really know the reasons for this. Probably the top thing that comes to mind is that it feels like a performance. We could psychoanalyze all of it, but that's not in the scope of this post. I do like talking to friends there with whom I have established a closer relationship. I just don't like the overly cheery surface-level interactions that happen when traversing the building.
Going to church was one of my least favorite times of the week, and I just did not want to be there. I have actually felt that way for years, and have waffled back and forth about attending, but have erred on the side of loving my wife, since she appreciates my presence there. But I started feeling so uncomfortable, that through a counselor's help, I made the decision to not attend. I have actually attended some other churches instead by myself.
Then predictably, people at church started asking my wife where I was, or approaching her with questions. She is not able to speak for me, and she doesn't like these discussions. It's hard to fully know my views, even for someone who is married to me, because conversations come in bits and pieces. And I often change my mind, so it's not a clear and consistent viewpoint. So she would come home and sometimes vent that she didn't know what to say to whoever was asking.
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That is when it became clear that I need to "go public", and actually share my views, that way people can know what I am thinking, and take some pressure off my wife for the explaining part. So I was on the lookout for something to share on Facebook. When there was a sermon in church about a particularly violent passage in the Bible, I thought this could be a topic to write about.
In the interest of not losing everyone's attention, I'll just describe this passage at a high level. In the story, God killed many of his own people indiscriminately, because they were whining too much. But in church, this part was glossed over, because it's assumed that God is justified in any and all actions, in the Biblical accounts. And my post was going to be an explanation of why this is a bad thing to kill people for whining.
But this type of Facebook post was really hard to write - I had several drafts - and it didn't really come together, because it's complicated to explain the whole passage. Then I realized, it was possible to go deeper with my post, because I believe God was not necessarily violent as described, but that was the depiction of the authors, writing many decades or centuries after the events would have happened. For the ancient authors of the Bible, they portrayed God in ways that matched their culture. They are often making a theological point, and they are not necessarily attempting to write historical accounts.
After sharing that on Facebook, it has actually been a positive thing, because I feel more comfortable in church now. I think some of the physical discomfort was because I was not open with people. And if people think I am heretical, it's ok, because I am able to be myself. And no one has rejected me, or treated me any differently. Only one person unfriended me on Facebook, and I don't know who, I just looked at the friend count before and after.
By sharing my thoughts publicly, it takes away some of the problems from dealing with this alone, in my household. Some people have reached out to my wife, after I made my post, and gave her encouragement.
Everyone who knows me knows that I am an introvert, and I keep my thoughts to myself. So it's a constant challenge for me to reveal my thoughts. So I think overall it's a good thing to share them even if it's difficult.
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